Chapter 3

“So what cabin are you in?” Phil asked.
“I’m staying in Ingleside, I guess,” said Jesse.
“All by yourself? In that dinky little thing?”
“Well I could hardly fit another person in there.”
Phil ignored the sarcasm. “That’s crazy. You’ll be so bored!”
“I don’t mind it too much.”
“Why don’t you just come in here for the week? It’s Staff-O, for Pete’s sake! You shouldn’t be in solitary confinement already.”
“I know it’s a little lonely. But I don’t want to bother Bob, and there must be some reason he put me in there right away.” Jesse was sitting on Phil’s bunk in Cedar Circle, watching her unpack. It was a green cabin. The walls were green, the bunks were green, the dresser was green. It was Jesse’s favourite colour. She wasn’t one to question authority or ask for favours, but this did seem like a very little thing, and Phil’s suggestion was tempting. ’“Do you think he’d let me?” she ventured.
“Why wouldn’t he?” Phil asked. “You deserve one week of human companionship before you become a complete hermit.” She placed a Winnie-the-Pooh bear on her pillow and sat down beside Jesse, almost hitting her head on the bunk above them as she ducked in.
“I don’t know. I really like my cabin,” Jesse sidestepped.
Phil was exasperated. She stood up and looked down at Jesse drill-sergeant style. “Oh, will you stop making excuses? It’s not that big of a deal! Just ask!”
Phil was blond. She was short. She had freckles and a cute, slightly turned up little nose. Jesse couldn’t resist. “Yes sir!” she said, saluting sharply.
They dissolved into giggles, to the amusement of the other eight girls in the room.
“It’s not funny!” Phil insisted, struggling to regain her seriousness.
“Whatever you say.” Jesse looked at her watch. “Oh no, I have to go,” she said, standing up.
“What for?”
“Nothing much, just something I was supposed to have done before supper.”
“Ok, but don’t forget to talk to Bob!”
Jesse shrugged noncommitally as she went through the door.
While walking through the semicircle of girls’ cabins, her mind wandered and her pace slowed. The sky was cloudy and the lake on her left was grey, but the wind that blew off of it was strangely warm. Its notorious waves were large and many were white-capped. If she were a sailor, she would stay on land tonight. It looked like a storm was not far off. “Just as long as you wait till after campfire,” she whispered to the threatening clouds.
She took the main stairway up to the dining hall, intending to walk through it to get to the office. As she stepped into the hall, however, she found Bob building a fire.
“Won’t that be kind of warm?” she asked, coming nearer.
“It’ll get cold out soon. We’ll all be glad for a hot fire,” he predicted
“Maybe,” she half agreed.
“How are you doing?” he asked as he shut the door on a strong little blaze.
“I’m fine. I just need that list...”
“Marilyn’s getting it for you now, I think. Do you have time to sit and talk for a while?” he asked.
It sounded like a suspicious question, but Jesse ignored her feelings and took the opening. “Actually, I was wondering why you put me in Ingleside this week.” She waited for a minute before he responded.
“You don’t like it?”
He sounded surprised, and Jesse wished she hadn’t sounded so abrupt. “Oh, I like it alright. I just wondered, if it didn’t make a difference, if I could stay in Cedar Circle for a while.”
He seemed to think about this for a minute. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think about that. Ingleside is going to be lonely. But,” he said slowly, “I think it would be a good idea for you to have a few days to adjust to it, before camp actually starts.”
Jesse kept her disappointment hidden and nodded in agreement. She understood his reasons. She’d only been an assistant counsellor for two years, this would have been her first as a senior. And now she was the head cabin leader instead, without even the experience of being officially in charge of her own cabin. It would be easier for her to learn if she were separated from the others, and easier for them to accept her as their supervisor.
She walked back to Ingleside alone, with her papers. She would be lonely, that she knew. But the loneliness itself should not bother her too much. Besides, it wasn’t as if she’d be spending a lot of time indoors, other than at night.
Once inside and on her bed, Jesse surveyed the job before her. She had lists of next week’s female campers, arranged in cabin groups. Beside some of the names were short notes about allergies, and things like special needs or attention deficit disorders, as well as cabin mate requests. There was also a list of female cabin leaders. Her job was simple enough on the surface: match up senior counsellors with junior counsellors, and match each team up with a cabin group as well as a cabin. In reality, she knew, it was a rather sensitive task, and she would not be done by supper. She was not far into it when the dinner bell rang.
She sat down at a table close to the kitchen. The meal went like any other at camp: someone was asked to pray; the kitchen girls (and one kitchen boy) brought the food out to the tables; empty serving dishes were held up and the eager kitchen girls (and boy) raced to snatch them up and bring them back with second helpings. And thirds. The food was as good as always, but Jesse didn’t have much of an appetite. Thankfully, n the excitement of the first meal of the summer, her eating habits went largely unnoticed.
Then there was singing. Keith Wilson, the summer program director, brought out the guitar and they went over the familiar old camp songs, practising for next week when the ‘real’ camping would begin. Jesse hadn’t known how much she’d missed singing until then. She had no real reason to sing at home, other than on Sundays. There were always cd’s or the radio to listen to, and she hadn’t been going to choir practice lately.
When the songs ended, there were announcements. Because it was the first day, these went on for quite a while. By the time the workers were dismissed and moving collectively outside, the air was considerably colder than it had been when they’d come in. Bob’s fire probably had kept them warm after all. The wind had picked up, but it wasn’t raining yet. One good thing. It wasn’t likely to last, though, Jesse thought.

Yet the weather held off. They had played a get-to-know-you game involving a walk around the entire campground, had their first campfire of the year, and retreated safely to their cabins before the storm hit. Most of the young people enjoyed the company of six or seven others in their cabin and stayed up most of the night talking about last year and getting to know one another better. Even the boys in Homestead had each other. None of them were much bothered by the weather.
Jesse sat on her solitary bed, watching the lightning through the squares of her window pane. She wasn’t afraid of storms; never had been, at least not since she was little. She’d always been fascinated by the display of sheer power, as long as she had four walls and a roof over her head. She remembered May running out in a storm once, when she was only six. She’d danced in the street in her bare feet, and opened her mouth to drink the rain that poured down. As puddles began to form, she’d found them out and jumped in every one of them. Jesse had watched from the open front door, four years old and amazed at her older sister’s bravery. May had only done it to show Jesse that there was nothing to be afraid of, when she’d screamed in surprise at the sound of thunder. And when their mother indignantly dragged the sopping wet girl indoors, she had only said “It’s ok, Mom, I’ve got my splash pants on.”
No, Jesse was not afraid of lightning anymore, although she didn’t have quite her sister’s courage. But then, she didn’t get into trouble as much as May had, either. There had been times, of course, when her temper would flash and back her into a corner, but May was different. Trouble just seemed to follow her. She goaded it on, like the stray animals that would “just follow” her home, to the exasperation of their parents.
As Jesse watched, the lightning began to come less often, and the thunder wasn’t as loud or as close. The rain, however, poured forth as if to flood the whole earth. It no longer drummed delightfully on her roof; it sounded more as if the whole cabin had been picked up and moved beneath a waterfall.
She had just decided to get ready for bed, and was opening the top drawer of her dresser to find her pajamas, when a movement in the corner of her eye caught her attention, and when she took another look she just about jumped out of her skin: three white faces peered creepily out of the darkness through her window. All three laughed hysterically at her reaction, but Jesse was not amused... or at least she didn’t show it. With her hands on her hips she gave them her most reproaching look. The boys, Keith and Zeb and Michael, just smiled idiotically at her through the window, and yelled at her to come on out and play. She shook her head.
“Oh come one!” Keith pleaded, making a puppy dog face. “Pleeeeese?” Michael and Zeb joined in, and all three looked up at her in mock despair.
Her anger didn’t last long. They were just too much to resist. Laughing at herself, she grabbed a jacket that she knew would make no difference in the downpour, and went out. The wet grass and earth felt good to her bare feet, and the rain wasn’t as cold as she had expected. Keith and Zeb each grabbed one of her arms and pulled her through the grove of trees that surrounded the staff cabins at breakneck speed. Jesse wondered what her mother would say if she could have seen her.
They stopped at the creek, apparently what they wished to show her. It acted as a natural barrier between the staff cabin area and the lawn in front of the beach. Usually it was little more than a trickle of water. At the moment, however, it threatened to overflow the little ditch that contained it. Jesse nodded to show that she was impressed. They watched it in amazement for a few moments, then followed it to the beach.
They didn’t try to talk above the roar of the water, but ran and shoved each other playfully for some time, until it slowed down a little.
“Wonder when it’ll let up?” Zeb asked when he could be heard without yelling.
“Not for a while yet,” said Michael.
“How do you know?” asked Keith.
“I just do.”
Michael seemed very sure of himself, and Keith wondered at his serious attitude. His friend just wasn’t acting like his usual cheerful self. And Keith, being a sensitive guy, was concerned. Zeb and Jesse seemed to be walking off a bit, so he took the opportunity to have a little heart-to-heart. He cast Michael a sidelong glance and asked, “What’s with you, man?”
Michael reached down to grab a handful of rocks, and then began throwing them in the lake one by one. “Nothing’s with me.” By now their hair and clothes were soaked, sticking to them like glue.
Keith balked. “Oh, don’t give me that. You’ve been grumpy all day.”
Michael just shook his head. “I’m not grumpy, just thinking.” He picked up another rock.
“Whatever, man,” said Keith. “Just get over it soon, eh? You’re no fun to live with like this.”
They were momentarily blinded by a light as Zeb sloshed up to them. “Hey.”
“Put that thing down, will ya?” Keith protested.
The flashlight clicked off and they opened their eyes again.
“Hey,” said Michael, looking around, “where’s Jesse?”
Zeb shrugged. “I dunno, thought she was with you. I just went to get a flashlight.” He held up the evidence for them to see.
“Well she’s not here,” Michael informed him.
“She probably went inside,” Zeb said.
Michael nodded. “Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s getting pretty cold out here.”
Keith shivered. “I think she’s the smart one. I’m headin’ in, guys.”
“I’m coming too.” Zeb said. “You had enough?” he asked Michael.
Michael nodded, frowning. “I’ll make sure Jesse’s in her cabin.”
She wasn’t there. Michael began walking the beach, wondering where she could have wandered in this darkness. Without the lightning, it was hard to see anything at all, and the rain was disorienting.
He found her on the baseball diamond. He wouldn’t have seen her at all if it hadn’t been for light from the windows of the girls’ washroom reaching her. At first he didn’t know what she was doing, but when he got close enough to see, he smiled: she was dancing.
Her arms were raised out at her sides as she spun around and around. Her head tilted back to let the rain wash her face. She forgot to open her mouth to catch the droplets, but it didn’t matter. She was happy. The rain was intoxicating: she forgot her problems, her troubles, her fears; everything but the rhythm of water pouring down on her. She might have been the only person in the world.
When she stopped, she wobbled briefly, then dropped onto the grass and didn’t bother getting up. But large hands grasped her shoulders to pull her up and pushed her hair away from her face. She laughed and opened her eyes. “I didn’t know you were here,” she said.
“Are you alright?” Michael asked, his eyes clouded with concern. “Why did you fall?”
“Well,” she said, “I was dizzy.” Why was he so upset? she wondered. As she wasn’t dizzy anymore, she shrugged his hands off her shoulders and stood up. Michael didn’t say anything, so she did. “Isn’t he wonderful?”
He followed her as she walked towards Ingleside. “Who’s wonderful?”
“God,” she answered as she raised her hands in the air and looked up.
Then he laughed. This was a side of Jesse he hadn’t seen before, but he preferred it to her recent gloominess. “Well, yes, I suppose he is.”
“Don’t you know he is?”
He stopped laughing then. “Of course I know he is.” They were walking side by side now and he looked down at her. “Do you?”
“I used to wonder,” she said. “ Sometimes I’m not so sure, but I am right now.” She thought about what she had said and a moment later took it back. “I don’t mean that, really. I always know he’s wonderful, I guess that’s what scares me.”
“Meaning...?”
She sighed. “Sometimes he lets bad things happen, and it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t see why he didn’t stop it, why he doesn’t always protect the people who love him.” She paused for a minute, thinking. “I don’t doubt him, I couldn’t, but I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Why can’t I see his purpose in the things he does? How can I have so many doubts? He’s God, Michael! He’s got to be perfect, even if it’s a perfection I don’t always understand.” She laughed. “And now I’m just confusing myself more, and I’m not sure what my point was,” she ended in frustration.
Michael smiled in the darkness. “To tell the truth, you’ve confused me too.” They were walking more slowly now.
She shrugged her shoulders. “Sorry ‘bout that.”
“No, don’t be. It gives me something to think about.”
“Not a very pleasant thing to think about.”
“Better than not thinking at all.”
“Maybe.”
“Only maybe?”
Jesse shrugged. “Thinking isn’t always the answer to things. Sometimes you can think about something so much that it drives you crazy, and in the end you’re worse off for it.” They walked in silence for a minute or so, before Michael broke it.
“Is this coming from personal experience?”
“Sometimes,” she said slowly, “I wish I couldn’t think at all.” She didn’t expand on this.
“Are we interrupting anything?” Keith asked he slipped up behind them, startling Jesse but not Michael.
“I found her,” said Michael.
“I see that,” said Keith.
“You were looking for me?” Jesse asked in surprise
“Well you kind of disappeared,” said Zeb, now walking on her other side.
“I’m sorry,” she said, glancing from one to the other. “I didn’t mean to.”
She seemed to get cold then, suddenly, and shivered. She could see her cabin not too far ahead and decided she wanted to get there quicker than she could at the pace they were going, so she broke away from them. “Goodnight!” she flung over her shoulder as she ran away.
“I thought you guys went in,” Michael commented, obviously not pleased.
“Yeah, well, you were gone an awfully long time. Figured we’d better check up on you,” Keith said with a knowing grin.

Jesse reached Ingleside and let the door slam behind her. She quickly closed her window shutters and peeled her wet clothes off, found a towel in her suitcase and dried herself. Her hair was soaking, so that even when she was in warm pj’s and tucked in her sleeping bag, she was cold. So she pulled the cover over her head and snuggled down in it’s softness, and prayed that way. Then she fell asleep, lulled by the sound of rain on her roof.