Chapter 21

Monday, August 7
6:30 am
It is my first morning as a cabin leader this year, and I am very nervous. I got through yesterday alright, but today it really starts, and I think my cabin is going to be a challenge. The girls are an interesting mix - none are really bad, but none are really good, either. Some are quiet, some loud, some old, some new. It could be a good week, but you never know.
My assistant cabin leader is Mandy, a new girl. We’re getting along, but I don’t really like her all that much. I don’t know what it is about her. She’s not mean or anything. I can’t explain it. She’s just not the kind of person I would normally be friends with. Isn’t that an awful thing to say? I’m a terrible person. Well, at least I don’t think I’m letting my feelings show, and maybe when I get to know her better I will like her more.

Tuesday, August 8
6:45 am
These girls are intolerable.
I don’t hate them, really I don’t. I love them to pieces, I just don’t know what to do with them! Why can’t they get dressed before flag raising? Why can’t they at least try to clean during cabin cleanup? Why can’t they be quiet during quiet time? They want to, I know they want to be good, but for some reason they can’t! I suppose it doesn’t help much that Mandy refuses to help me. She was as loud as anyone last night, and she wore her pyjama pants to breakfast. How can I expect the girls to listen to me when she undermines everything I say? She’s supposed to be setting an example, and she’s acting worse than them.
I knew she was no good, and last night confirmed it. I was trying to tell them about creation, and of course there were questions about evolution. And guess what Mandy says? “Well, 6 days doesn’t necessarily mean 6 days.” I could have throttled her. I mean really! Some Christians, I’m sorry, but they’re so ignorant. No wonder these girls are confused, with all the conflicting messages they’re getting. I don’t know what to do with this girl. I suppose I should have a talk with her, but I really don’t want to.
1:30 pm
I feel a little better now. I guess I was grumpy this morning, and with 9 bratty campers, who can blame me? No, that’s not true - Beth is not a brat, and neither is Katy. Katy is actually pretty awesome, she’s not afraid to be a kid, you know? It takes some maturity to do that. I know that sounds oxymoronic.
It was freezing this morning, but it’s gotten really nice since. Not a cloud in the sky, a gentle breeze, and clean, good air. It smells delicious. I love that there is no smog. I could live on air like this.
Wednesday, August 9
7:00 am
Katherine went home last night around midnight. Her Dad called - apparently her mom left him. He went fishing for a couple days, and when he came home, she was gone, along with all her stuff. Crazy. What kind of mother leaves her husband while her 13 year old kid is at camp?
It took me a while to fall asleep after that. Thinking, you know. Later that night, Katie (not Katy) got up and went out to the bathroom without asking. Both Mandy and I were awake at the time. We sat up, looked at each other, and she said ‘did you just see what I just saw?’ I followed Katie out and she lied to my face, saying she had asked Mandy. So crazy! What is going on with these girls? How can a girl lie so blatantly, and about something so silly? The really nutty part about it was, she said it so sincerely, I almost believed her. But Mandy backs me up, so the girl was definitely lying...and I am not going crazy, at least not yet.
This morning I am at the beach by the fire pit for my devotions because someone was on the picnic table by the main beach. I couldn’t tell who it was, they had a sleeping bag wrapped around them. Looked cozy. I know I don’t own that beach in the morning, but I got very wet walking through the tall grass getting to my alternate location, and it has put me a little out of sorts. But it’s nice and sunny out anyway, so I’ll dry quickly.
It’s hard this week, being head cabin leader and staying in a cabin, too. I feel pulled in a dozen directions practically every moment of the day. How do I do devotions in my own cabin, and at the same time make sure the other cabins are getting along alright? I try to get my own girls in bed early, and then quickly check on the others. I do a quick couple of rounds during loud time, too, but I really don’t think Mandy can handle our cabin on her own for very long. She doesn’t have any problem with it, but I don’t trust her. I can’t help wondering what happens when I’m not there. I suppose I should have anticipated this and put myself with a more experienced assistant.
My golden boy has been wonderful, though. He’s taken over a lot of stuff for me, and we find time to talk during swim or free time. We’ve started using channel 2 to talk to each other so we don’t annoy the rest of the senior staff. He’s so funny, he keeps me laughing all day. It’s great.
Last night was a Full Moon. I thought it was the Harvest Moon, but I was told differently. It was the biggest, most beautiful moon I have ever seen in my life. I wandered down to the field after my final rounds, when all the cabins had turned their lights off. It drew me to it, and I couldn’t have resisted even if I’d wanted to. There it was, just rising above the water, casting a long road of light along the surface, and I felt as if I could walk along that highway into the moon itself. I wanted to dance and sing, to celebrate, somehow, this gift of God, this sign of his grandness. And I might have, if the light from the girls’ washroom didn’t cast an artificial glow over the spot where I stood, and if Michael weren’t sure to walk by in a few minutes. He’s already caught me once dancing in that field at night, and I don’t need that again.

9:30 am
Katie is giving me a hard time this morning. She’s trying to pick a fight, and I’d like nothing better than to take her up on it. I’d like her to do something really bad so I can send her home, I really would. I feel personally offended, and I want revenge...but I know that’s wrong. I know that I need to love her, that she is just a lost child trying to defend herself in what has been, so far, a cruel, uncaring world. She is very immature, and I’m sure she doesn’t have many friends. From what I saw on Sunday, her parents aren’t the greatest either. God, please help me to love her.

Thursday, August 10
6:37 am
I dreamt that I had 2 campers, and a man came and tried to take them away from me. They wanted to go to him, but I wouldn’t let them. I locked them in and locked him out. Then he left, and I made the girls run to a nearby hill and climb up into the trees. Most of the trees had been cut down, but some were standing still (they were apple trees). But he found them again and started climbing the trees, and I was trying to make them understand that the man was dangerous, that they couldn’t go with him. It was so hard. Why couldn’t they understand?
Katie had a seizure this morning. Her mother had said she has them sometimes, and though she made it sound like a rare occurrence, I can remember thinking she would probably have one this week - I just had that feeling. I was in the washroom about to change, when one of the girls came for me. Katie has been sleeping between me and Mandy, on an extra staff bed. Thank goodness we thought of it, or she might have fallen out of her bunk. She threw up, and it was trickling out of her mouth. She was trying to breath, but it came out as these heavy, choking, gagged-sounding rasps. Her eyes were open, looking at the ceiling, and her body was rigid and shaking. It was horrible. And yet at a time like that, I was worried that she might get my bed dirty. I’m a horrible person!
The only rational thing I did was get the other girls out of the cabin. As grossed out as I was, they seemed to be even more shaken up. I stayed with them outside and tried to keep them calm. Mandy seemed to be handling Katie alright - actually I have a new respect for Mandy now because of that. I should have prayed with them though. That’s what they really needed. I didn’t, and for that I will always feel that I failed these girls.
On a brighter note, devos went fairly well last night. The girls were asking questions, anyway. Some of them were really hard to answer. It was about sin, so there were a lot of “is so-and-so a sin?”. And they wanted to hear the ten commandments.

Friday, August 11
9:15 am
Katie had another seizure this morning. I was at prayer meeting and Tiffany-Joy came to get me. Mandy was already there, so I stood outside with the girls again. Some were in the bathroom, but when they all came out I actually did pray with them. They all sounded relieved when I suggested it. It was just a short prayer, by me, but I am so glad I got another chance to do it right! I only wished I had done it yesterday. After praying, it was almost 8:00, so the girls didn’t want to go back to sleep when it was all over. I made another mistake - I sat on the porch and started talking about normal things, asked them what they were going to do when they got home, shared a funny story - everything except what I knew I should be doing, praying some more, talking to them about God, or reading some scripture. I’m so stupid sometimes. God, please forgive me. I won’t ask for another chance (I don’t want Katie to have another seizure), but I pray that in similar situations in the future, I will listen to your guidance and do what I know is right. Give me the words to speak, don’t let my mind go blank. Don’t let me chicken out.

11:05 am
I’ve taken chapel off. I’m so, so tired, I should be sleeping. I was up very late last night, and though it was my own fault, I’m not sorry for it. Michael saw me going into my cabin after doing my final round, and whistled. I just about had a heart attack, but it did get my attention, and he coaxed me down to the picnic table on the beach. I shouldn’t have gone, but I did. The girls were all quiet, anyway, and Mandy has improved to the point that I felt she could handle them.
The stars were so amazing. They’re so clear and perfect out here. I was surprised, too, how much I’d missed having a real talk with Michael. We just talked and talked, about nothing, about everything. I told him about my cabin, about my girls, about how hard it is to know just how to deal with them sometimes. I also told him I was keeping the baby. I don’t think I’d even written it down yet, but I’m sure about it. I needed to tell someone, to make it seem official. He seemed like the best person - he’s earned my confidence, I guess, especially after last weekend. Do you have any idea how good it feels to really talk to someone, and not be afraid of speaking the truth? I never have to worry about how Michael’s going to react. I’ve never met someone who listens so intently to other people, as if he really cares about what they’re saying. And then he always knows what to say. Sometimes I argue with him - and sometimes I’m right - but most of the time I have to agree with him later on. It’s almost weird, but it’s good for me to have someone so levelheaded around. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
It’s funny, though, sometimes I get this strange feeling when he looks at me. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. I feel safe with him, like I know he would protect me. It’s stupid, I know, but I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s probably because I am so scared, and I want to be protected, to feel safe. But isn’t it wrong to lean on someone? I’m supposed to lean on God, aren’t I? I need to learn to trust him again, not to ‘put my faith in men’. Men fail. Even Michael isn’t perfect, despite appearances, but it’s nice to have a friend. I wish I could keep him.
Did I say that?

Saturday, August 12
6:44 am
I’m sorry to see these girls go. They weren’t so awful, you know, they were just girls. I really did like most of them, and those I couldn’t like, I think I was able to love. I am excited about the weekend, though. I really, really am. I’m so tired I think I could sleep in tomorrow. I might even have a nap this afternoon. Oh, sweet rest! Why on earth am I up so early?
Ah, but the sun, the sun. It beckons me, I must beat the sun! I must feel it’s first glorious rays on my skin! To see the miracle that drives night away, to look into it’s eye when it is young, before it learns to pierce my own with its fierceness. That is what calls me from my bed, the chance to see what I can’t see at any other time...except maybe at sunset. But no, you can’t see the sunset from here. I stand by my previous statement.
I’m already starting to let the girls go. I can feel myself beginning to forget them. It happens every year, every week. Each girl is so important, so special and unique, I think I’ll remember them forever, but I never do. Their faces are replaced with new ones, their names fade, details are lost, along with entire memories. I know I didn’t write enough this week, one can only write so much. The rest will be gone, and even what I’ve written will grow dark. I’ll read it, but there’s no guarantee that the reading will be able to dredge up the memories.
The baby kept me up all night. She must be dancing in there. Part of me is a little upset at having my uterus treated like a playground...but I’ll admit, most of me loves it. I may never have this feeling again, to know that there is a little person whose every need is totally dependent on me. Me! It eats what I eat, it breathes the air I breathe. I, Jesse McDougall, am responsible for another life. I’m growing a little human inside me, and no one even taught me how to do it! There was no test, no application procedure, no interview; I didn’t even want it to happen, but it did. What happened to me, what started this, was a very bad thing. I don’t know if I can ever come to terms with it. But this life is a good thing. I cannot run from that.