For a long while she slept soundly. It was not until nearly dawn that her slumber was interrupted by unwelcome shadows. She struggled against their hold on her, but they were as strong as ever, their dark, prickly hands pulling and poking her, like trees come alive in an enchanted forest. She tried to run away, but couldn’t. She tried to scream, but one of the hands had wrapped itself around her throat. She was choking, and still the hands pulled at her - they were pulling her apart, breaking her bones. They covered her face, her hands, her feet, every part of her. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. And she couldn’t talk, but she heard herself praying for God to please let her die.
The sun was just starting to peek through her shutters, leaving thin slits of light on her wall, when she woke up. She lay staring at the ceiling, breathing deeply and trying to dispel the images still floating in her mind. It’s over, she told herself. They’re gone. I’m awake, it’s alright. Eventually she was calm again, and sat up.
It was 6:05. She was late.
Ten minutes later Jesse found her favourite rock on the beach, right between Ingleside and Homestead, the boys’ cabin. It was just big enough for her to sit on top of, cross-legged, and gave her a perfect view of the sunrise; only she had missed that part today. She had to use her hand to brush off the sand and dirt that had collected there since last summer, and then climbed up. She could have sworn her body had grown to fit the bumps and curves of the rock, because she hardly felt them anymore. At once she felt a sense of peacefulness.
She opened the Bible in her hands to a bookmarked page and began to read. She was in II Corinthians, a book she found she very much liked. Her eyes went over the worn pages easily, delighting in the words, even the ones she didn’t understand. Then she came to a certain passage that was underlined. She had read it before, but it sounded different somehow. She went back and read it again.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
II Corinthians 4:16 - 18
That was what she felt like, she thought: she was wasting away.
But no, that couldn’t be it. She had been wasting away, before. When all this trouble had started, when she’d first found out... but not now. No, she wasn’t wasting away any longer, she realized. She was being renewed. Just like Paul had written in his letter to the Corinthians, she was being renewed inwardly, day by day. She turned to the back of her Bible cover, where she kept her diary, and picked out a pink gel pen.
“I will not lose heart, for I am strong. I may be weaker, on the outside. I have troubles I know would crush me, if I were trying to stand on my own. They would crush others, too. But because I have Jesus, they really do seem ‘light and momentary’. He gives me the strength to stand up under them. I am not wasting away, I’m being refreshed. God has shown me that I have eternal glory to look forward to, and taught me to keep my eyes on that. Oh, please, God, help me to focus on what I cannot see. Help me to know that you have a plan in all of this, though I can’t understand it, and that you won’t leave me.”
She had started her prayer in her diary, because she didn’t want to forget it. Ever. When things got harder, and she knew they would, she wanted to be able to read what she had written now, and know that she could go on.
She didn’t open her Bible again. She kept writing in her diary, switching back and forth between simply describing her thoughts and the world around her to praying, or maybe it was all a prayer, for God was the only one who could know what she was writing. She described the lake in detail, the beach, the rocks, the birds. She wrote about the little white flower in the tall grass to her left. She talked about the blue of the sky and the light of the sun and the chipmunk that she could hear rummaging through a garbage can by the pavilion. She sorted through the feelings inside of her, and came across some she hadn’t known were there. And for a while she just sat, and a tear rolled down her cheek as she looked out at the beauty before her.
In no time at all it was 7:25. She gathered her things and stood up on her rock, ready to jump onto the grassy bank behind her. At that moment Michael and Keith came out of Homestead, so instead of attempting to leap the gap she more daintily stepped off the rock and walked up the bank to go with them. Michael shook his head when he saw her. How the girl began her mornings so early amazed him.
Prayer meeting started at 7:30 around the fireplace. Seeing as it was the first morning, everyone was there; and relatively awake, too. Bob opened in prayer and then read the first part of Psalm 119.
“Blessed are they whose ways are blameless,
who walk according to the law of the Lord.
Blessed are they who keep his statutes
and seek him with all their heart.
They do nothing wrong;
they walk in his ways.
You have laid down precepts that are to be fully obeyed.
Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees!
Then I would not be put to shame
when I consider all your commands.
I will praise you with an upright heart
as I learn your righteous laws.
I will obey your decrees,
do not utterly forsake me.”
He held his Bible open, but looked up at the staff sitting there. “This is a psalm of David,” he began. “It’s the first part of a very long psalm, the longest one in the Bible. Despite the fact that it is long, it is made up of many simple, key ideas. Today I’d like to take one idea that struck me as I read it, and share it with you.
“David begins this psalm with ‘Blessed are they whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the laws of the lord.’ At first glance you might think, well, that’s a nice thing to say. He’s blessing God’s people. But as you read on, it becomes clear that this is not exactly the case. David speaks of people who do nothing wrong, people who never sin. We know that none of us can be included in that group. Not one of us here today can honestly say that we have always obeyed God’s word. I can’t say that, I know I’ve sinned. I’ve done things that are wrong, many, many, many things, that I’m sure Kim would gladly tell you about.” The room chuckled. “But I won’t get into that right now. Suffice it to say that none of us measure up. We all fall short of the goal, and David realized this about himself. He says here, ‘Oh, that my ways were steadfast in obeying your decrees! Then I would not be put to shame when I consider all your commands.’ David knew that he was not worthy of God’s blessing. David, the king who was described as a man after God’s own heart. But did this stop David from serving God? Did he just look at his sins on one hand, and God’s expectations on the other, and say, well, there’s no use even trying? No, he didn’t: David says he will go on praising God, and learn his laws more fully, trusting that God would forgive him when he made mistakes.
“This summer, whether you’re a cabin leader or on maintenance, or working in the kitchen, or in the office, each of you has taken on a great responsibility, and that can be intimidating. You might be wondering, God, why have you chosen me for this job? I’m not perfect, I’m going to make mistakes. And God knows you will make mistakes. He knows we aren’t perfect, but still he calls us to work for him. And just as David trusted in God to forgive him, we must trust him to forgive us, and to give us the strength to continue to serve him, even in our weakness.”
When Bob was done and prayer requests were taken, the room bowed their heads and took turns speaking to their God. Although Jesse sometimes said a short prayer out loud, she didn’t today. She was still thinking about Bob’s words and how they applied to her.
Due to the uncommon enthusiasm that first morning, the meeting lasted a little past the half hour mark, but since there were no campers to get ready for the day and no flag raising, there was no harm in it. Breakfast didn’t need to start until 8:30. Most of the staff didn’t even bother leaving the dining hall. They stayed where they were or gathered in groups at tables, to the consternation of the hospitality hostesses attempting to set them.
Eventually breakfast came. Jesse skipped the scrambled eggs and bacon and opted for toast with raspberry jam. She willed herself not to grimace as she ate it, again sitting as close as possible to the kitchen.
Someone screamed.
Jesse looked up. It wasn’t a very terrible scream, but the girl who did it was very good at it. She had strong vocal chords, and she knew how to create a ruckus without feigning mortal danger to her person.
It turned out to be nothing much - someone had just tossed a chunk of scrambled egg into Amy Laverly’s hair, and she was protesting despite the fact that she loved the attention. Jesse laughed with everyone else. Amy was a kitchen girl, just fifteen years old. She was a pretty good kitchen girl, too, despite her occasional hysterics. She was harmless really, and rather amusing. She might have enjoyed attention, but she wasn’t anywhere near the flirt that some of the others were.
And in this particular instance, Jesse was thankful for the distraction. It allowed her to get up and dash to the washroom, which was right next to the kitchen, relatively unnoticed. When she came back she felt much better.
They sang more camp songs after the meal. Keith brought out the guitar and Mark Saunders held up the words, just like they would for the campers. Jesse decided this was her favourite part of the day. She really had missed these songs, and the people she was singing them with.
Then began their busy day. Michael and Jesse had paperwork to do, and then an hour or so to talk to the cabin leaders. Today was also safety day, so after lunch they would go over emergency situations as well as the mundane safety guidelines. There would be more games and another campfire after supper.
Jesse met with the female cabin leaders in Cedar Circle. They discussed matters such as how to put noisy campers to bed and how to detect and wash soiled sleeping bags. More importantly, perhaps, Jesse learned more about the girls she was working with. There were those she had known and worked with from the first year: Chris had long dark curls and rosy cheeks. She’d always been shy, but seemed to have come out of her shell during the past year. Megan Riley was as loud as ever, constantly leading them all off topic. Iris Peterson was quiet, but very smart. There was also Phil, and others Jesse had known for years and loved dearly.
Then there was Samantha. Jesse had never understood her. Two years older than herself, Samantha Oakley had frightened Jesse from her first year. She seemed nasty and calculating, at least to her. The odd thing was, Sam was always surrounded by friends, people Jesse admired. They must see something in Sam that she didn’t, she supposed. She tried to stay out of her way, never saying or doing anything to attract her attention. Samantha seemed to have a like opinion of her, and joined fully in the group conversation without once speaking to or looking directly at her.
There were the younger girls, junior counsellors. Jesse knew most of them pretty well, but there were a few new faces. Jasmine Denis was sixteen and had long black hair and glasses. It didn’t look like she had made many friends yet, so Jesse tried to be especially nice to her. There were also two seventeen-year-olds from out west, Hannah Neufeld and Susannah Weibe. They were both blonde, but Susannah’s hair was long and curly while Hannah’s was cut close to her head like a boy’s. They were both outgoing and had no problems fitting in. Plus they had each other, which made it easier. Jesse almost envied them.
Back in Ingleside, after lunch, she thought back to that meeting and the job ahead of her. She was responsible for these girls now, not a bunch of wild little campers. She had to get to know them all, pray for them and with them, and make their jobs easier when she could. She would encourage them to meet the expectations put on them, and fill in for them when they were worn out. She would listen to their complaints and concerns and take them up with Bob. When they could not handle a camper, she would have to. When they wanted time off to go to the conference centre or go diving off the railway bridge, she would have to say no, or go with them. She was their caregiver, role model, and disciplinarian - from the sixteen-year-olds to the 21-year-olds. To Jasmine, and Phil, and Samantha. All this, and still try to be their friend. She was weary even at the thought of it.
However, try as she might, she couldn’t rest. It was cabin cleanup, but her cabin was already clean. There was nothing scheduled for another hour, and no one around to do anything with. She didn’t want to be by herself; it left to much opportunity for thinking. She needed to be around people to keep her sane. Maybe there was someone in the dining hall.
When she opened the door she could hear people talking. She couldn’t make out the words, and they stopped short as soon as she walked in. Bob and Marilyn, the office clerk, were sitting in chairs close to the fireplace. They both turned to see her. To Jesse’s eye, they looked guilty.
“Hi,” she said. No response. Try again. “Am I interrupting something?”
Marilyn spoke first, nervously glancing at Bob. “Oh, no, hon. We were just talking about you.” She sounded casual enough. “Take a seat, stay a while.”
“That’s alright,” Jesse said. “I was just getting some water...”
“Actually, we’d like you to stay, if you don’t mind,” said Bob pleasantly. “As long as you’re not busy, this is probably a good time to talk.”
“Oh?” Jesse said, hesitantly. So he really did want to talk to her about something.
“Come on, dear. We’re not going to bite,” said sweet, grey-haired Marilyn.
Jesse walked over and sat down.
“We were just discussing, your, ah, your situation.” Bob said, calmly.
She sighed. She had expected this. Her body tensed and her face masked defensively. “It really isn’t a big deal.” Her words were short and deliberate. They were practised.
“We aren’t trying to make it into a big deal,” Marilyn soothed. “But you must admit that there are probably some details we should talk about. Just so there won’t be any misunderstandings.”
“What’s to misunderstand? I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t need to be treated like an invalid or have special meetings or talk in whispers.”
“That’s not what this is,” Bob said, curtly. “You can’t pretend nothing’s happened, though. We need to talk about this.”
Always the logical one, thought Jesse angrily. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m fine, end of story. I’m not pretending nothing has happened, but there are more important things to worry about. You’re the one who said I could do this in the first place, and I’m doing it. Sorry, but I’m leaving; I really don’t need this right now.” She was on her feet and ready to leave.
Before she could do so Bob was in front of her, hands on her shoulders, gently but firmly insisting that she sit down. “Come on, don’t do this,” he said softly. She was shaking and her eyes looked accusingly into his, but although her intensity surprised him, she could not intimidate him. He knew her too well. “Sit down.”
Soon their little circle resumed the appearance of civility. The thoughts in Jesse’s mind, however, were far from civil.
Then the questions came. She gave short, curt answers, and glowered often to make her displeasure known. This meeting was annoying and uncomfortable. But soon she could not be sarcastic anymore. Bob made her laugh, and she reminded herself that Bob had been kind enough to let her work this summer. The least she could do was answer his questions, and they were fair enough. Only the last one startled her.
“Who were you planning on sharing this with?”
“Oh,” said Jesse. “I hadn’t thought about it much. Who haven’t you told yet?”
“Well I didn’t know how comfortable you were with it. I wouldn’t want to slip and say something to someone you didn’t want to know.”
“Well, I guess I’ll let the girls know, at least. They’re going to notice anyway.”
“That sounds like a good idea to me,” put in Marilyn, “the boys are just as well off not knowing. They’re happier that way, too.”
“Well, I don’t mind if they know,” said Jesse. “It really doesn’t bother me anymore. I don’t like keeping secrets, either, and if the girls know then they’d have to keep it secret too. It just gets too confusing.”
“Well, whatever seems best to you...”
“As long as you don’t mind,” said Jesse, looking at Bob.
“Oh, no. It’s your decision, and personally, I think you’re right. It’s important for them to know, as long as you’re comfortable with it.”
“After the last few months, I’m not worried about it. Keeping secrets seems too much like lying...”
“Secrets?” asked Michael, walking in from the office on the tail end of the conversation, an amused grin on his face for having happened to arrive at such an opportune time. “Who’s got a secret?”
His question confused her. She attempted an explanation. “Oh, it’s not really a secret. I’m going to tell the others.”
His expression revealed honest ignorance. “What are you going to tell the others?”
He was too jovial, too oblivious. Jesse’s heart raced as she realized why. She shot a look at Bob, incredulously. “You didn’t tell him?”
Before Bob could answer, Michael became more serious. “What didn’t he tell me?”
She panicked. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to know already. For goodness’ sake, she was going to be working side by side with this guy for two months. What was he going to think now? How was she supposed to tell him?
“Michael,” she said, slowly, feeling like she was walking a plank, “I’m kind of...” the edge was nearer, the water looked cold an unforgiving. “Pregnant.”
No one had a chance to say anything. Michael was gone, and Jesse was running after him.
